Saturday, 2 June 2012

E3 Predictions - by Michael Dodds

With E3 fast approaching, gamers everywhere are already prophesying treats we’re in for. In keeping with festivities, here are some of my of predictions for E3 2012.

The announcement of the next Super Smash Brothers game; Super Smash Brothers:   Rumpus. New characters include Bubsy the Cat and Leon from Resident Evil. Such hair.

His "Up and B" attack is to look a bit rapey.

A gameplay trailer of Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 delivers a shock. The game, (which is man vs. technology in the near distant future) is revealed to be the next Deus Ex game (and not just a f***ing rip off of the franchise). Robot Nazi zombies are confirmed, much to the delight of 12 years olds worldwide.

Valve announces an HD, 3D rerelease of the Half Life series, with side missions, RPG elements, zombie mini-games, and, of course, customizable hats for all. They also announce that their writers are attending advanced mathematics courses at Cambridge in an effort to break the barrier known as “Counting to 3”.

Bethesda announces new Skyrim downloadable content. You can now get armor for your house plants, milk cows, and play the lute. You can also play as a Falmer character, although NPCs will attack and kill you instantly.

A naked Peter Molyneux rides a unicycle across the stage while juggling burning coals. Many will say this is a apology for leaving Microsoft, but most will believe that he has simply lost his shit.

Mio's expression as he overhears Peter muttering nonsense about 'feeling love' and 'uploading dreams'.

A gameplay trailer for Assassins Creed 3 will be shown, in which even more tea drinking Brits with bad teeth get violently tomahawked to death for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The soundtrack to Team America plays throughout. SERVES ‘EM RIGHT.

Uncharted 4: Solitary Confinement will be announced, where the law finally catches up with Nathan Drake and he is done for War Crimes. Played in real time, Nate has to serve several hundred life sentences in prison, each for the snapped neck of every mercenary who was just working a dodgy job to give his kids a good Christmas (Jesus, that got dark. Sorry everyone).

Sony admits that the Playstation Vita was neither big nor clever, and apologizes that it costs more than a premier league footballer. Nonetheless, sufficient time has passed for a newer, smaller, more powerful and more expensive version to be announced.

The cretin who made the dancing mini-game in Kinect Star Wars, single handedly destroying any credibility the franchise had remaining, will be forced to do the “The Speeder” until his arms fall off.

C-3P0 totally wants to be in on this. D2 couldn't be less arsed.

The rumored “origin” game for Gears of War will be announced by Microsoft. It follows the delightful (yet violently psychopathic) childhood adventures of Marcus n’ Dom, as they beat up smaller children and pull the wings off flies.
Scantily clad ladies will be present in various forms of cosplay, lining their (absent) pockets with lovely cash from game companies, while the masses get something to leer at. Everyone wins.

A confusing mass of grey and brown will be shown on screen for a few minutes, to a soundtrack of screeching tires, gunshots and strong continental accents. It will later be revealed that this was a trailer for GTA V.

Pokémon Mauve and Pokémon Burgundy will be announced. The increasingly bland starting Pokémon will be revealed to be a cute water pistol, a sarcastic looking box of matches, and a badass potted petunia.

Pikmin 3 trailer. No jokes here. That’ll be great.

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